The Last of the Hyphenated-Americans

Speaking as an Off-White American, I am done with it. I will no longer self-identify as a unique minority with special insights, grievances and demands of other Hyphenate-Americans. I will have no truck with Black-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, Asian-Americans or even Irish-Jewish-Native-Neurotic-Americans.

As a person of color, that color being 5427 on the Sherwin Williams scale, I will not refer to my self as a Beige-American or accept Gyno-Americans, Phallo-Americans, Homo-Americans, or Lesbo-Americans, which anyway should be called Vagetarians as Lesbos is just a no-account island in the Adriatic.

I will no longer refer to my wife and kids, all-left-handed for some reason, as Sinister-Americans, Or my dog as a Canine-American. I will no longer, under my breath, refer to obese people who take the center seat in aircraft and flow into my space as Fatso-Americans…that is beneath me.

Speaking of that, it is wrong to refer to people like Jeff Sessions as Dwarf-Americans, or even as Height-Challenged- Americans. I will no longer call people such as Louie Gomer and Rick Perry Retard-Americans. That word should only be used in orchestration. I will no longer refer to Mitch McConnell as a Turtle-American. Or the Pres as a Psycho-American. One may make one exception for Steve Bannon as a Bridge-Troll-American.

We must all be just Americans because otherwise it’s just going to get too complicated. What if you were actually a Black-Fatso-Lesbo-Sinister-Gyno-Half-Hispanic-Quarter-Asian American?
See where this leads? How would we deal with you? What exactly is your problem? Right now without Government Mandated DNA Testing nobody really knows what they are. Is Derek Jeter black, white or just a Short-Stop-American? Nobody knows.

Until we stop silly-separating ourselves due to our special uniqueness, our complaints, our past and present grievances and our hope for special privileges due to, say, that “slavery thing”, or that Commanche “Genocide” thing or the fact that some people don’t like us, we won’t come together as we must as “One Nation Under a God-American”.

So. Suck it up. You or your ancestors came to the Melting Pot to get melted down into a new identity. American. So Melt.