Branson, Missouri, Aug 6, 2018, APWalmart Declares Sharia Law.
In the wake of the supreme court ruling, Walmart today converted to Corporate Islam and declared Sharia law in all 12 million stores. Women entering the store must be bagged in Hefty Double Ply Trash Bags, $14.99 per dozen. Aisles 12 through 14 will be controlled by the Popular Front for the Liberation of Tuscaloosa, while the back of the Store will be held by Al Qaeda of East Tennessee.
Shoplifters will bear the loss of a hand, or forearm in the case of attempted theft of a bass fishing boat, while Jews who rub up against bagged women in the checkout line will suffer an on-site Frontier Bris.
Five times a day, all employees and customers will stop everything, drop everything and pull out their prayer rugs; Montsanto non-slip bath mats @ $19.99 in several pastel colors, with festive flower imprints, an additional $4.95. Rubberized, non-toxic forehead tees, will protect those delicate craniums not used to hitting the floor.
During this observance, as they bend over, Christians will be allowed to make armpit farts and yell “Who stepped on a duck?!!!” just for laughs. Non-believers will be stoned. We suggest “Trainwreck Indica at $45.00 the eighth, including a free joint of your choice.
Women suspected of adultery, marriage to poor men unacceptable to family, driving or double parking will be buried up to the neck in dedicated parking spaces and stoned by Cy Young Award Winner and retired sub mental Senator Jim Bunning, using Armstrong polished river rocks @49.50 per pound, just the thing for lining your garden path, and burying non-believers.
In fact, Walmart is declaring itself a religion, just like the Mormons and will no longer pay taxes to the Federal Government, who is just the Great Satan anyway.
Long live the Corporate Caliphate, and oh, yeah…Death to America!